Currently Listening 25 Classical Favorites Minute Waltz see related

how do i describe this? how can you say in words how life is the worst thing that you can ever imagine? the thought of living everyday like is, sitting staring at nothing, listening to music that makes me bawl, curling up in corners. someone of you out there have worst problems then myself, mine are just so weak and pathetic.

do you ever feel like you do this to yourself? if you could only be better than everything would go away? i do, everyday, it just makes me cut deeper and binge/purge longer. just one more pound, one more cut and i can feel ok but that never happens. i never feel better. i go from major depression to depression in weeks spans. that's why they finally said i wasn't bipolar 2 even though i have some of the symptoms, like depressive episodes and the self injury.

i don't know. i just don't. i can't fix me. i can't love myself, i don't know how, i don't know if i could ever be a kid walking down the hall looking at people, smiling, and saying hello. or if i will ever be able to sit down and eat a dinner without throwing up, taking a laxie or eating at all. will this misery every change? exceptance is all i ever wanted and i found that on xanga, so thanks guys for loving me and giving me so much that i needed for so long. my mom found my xangas. the only reason i get to keep them is because of the support you guys give me. how amazing is that! she won't give it up you guys do.

here's a poem. it sucks. just wrote it.

sitting here waiting

sitting here sobbing

i'm waiting

i'm pondering

when will it leave this body?

why did it come here?

i meet you one summer a long time ago

you smiled and held my hand

you said "your fat, your ugly, your stupid"

your hand burned mine and ever since i have had a scar

this scar turns to more and more

these choclate lovers turn to nights un kept

be this forever gone away

Currently Listening The Dresden Dolls By The Dresden Dolls bad habit see related

i am ready to update. i started laxies again. i am not ready yet to stop. i don't have the time and the enough to put out to stop. call me pathetic, whatever, it will hurt but it's true. it's things i call myself all the time.

lets talk about people....nosy people

so i am in line with laxies. as embarrasing as enough the women is someone i know and it's a little nosy and sometimes mean. i think in my head *damn i am screwed*

so guess what she says "what are the laxatives for", i am frank and just spit it out "i am bulimic". it is hard to say out loud and it sounds ugly and rough. i had to practically choke it out. it hurt badly. i don't even know why i told her. she stared asked more questions, the typical, just imagin. i was standing there, with five people behind me , laxatives and loud women. it was all my fault. i hate myself more. i went home took 4 and cried. i binged today on lots of chinese rice and chicken. i am a pollo chicken, sometimes but i am mostly fruitarian. so that was another blow in the day. i promise this isn't a pity party.

i spent the day crying. i didn't cut though. go me.i am tired. i will edit later to talk about my life and nothing you want to hear about.

love kat